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| PARENTAL | | ADVISORY | 2LUCKYNLOVE CONTAINS
EXPLICIT LYRICS |
From Go-Quiz.com
Your Love Style Is...
Caring! |
 You seem to have it all worked out. You are emotional strong, warm and know how to love. More importantly you think with both your head and your heart allowing you to handle all romantic situations calmly. How did you get this smart!! |
What is your Love Style? Find out at DatingTips.ws
How Love-Smart are you?
Young Einstein! |
 When it comes to love you know your stuff. It's obvious that you understand how the opposite sex think, what they like and how you can make them happy. Hey why don't you rewrite the book of love! |
How Love-Smart are you? Find out at DatingTips.ws
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
|
 Chocolate!quiz.com/icecream-chocolate.gif" align=right>You are the all time favorite, chocolate! Turning white kids black since the 1800s. Staining carpets, car seats, and bed sheets for centuries. One thing is for sure, you will never go out of style. You can't go wrong with chocolate! |
What is your Icecream Flavour?
Find out at Go Quiz
Bondage Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Heart is Red
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
Nerdslut
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You have a free soul! As all the souls go, yours is
the most free-spirited and adventurous. You
like camping, hiking, or interaction with other
people. Your a social butterfly, but not
because of your style, but because of your
willingness to communicate with everyone. You
probably have close friends who can rely on you
because you always seem to know whats going on
in the world. You love music and are
free-spirited and someone fun to be around. A
born leader and great explorer-dont ever
change-the world needs more people like you.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
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| New old job |
| 07.26.04 (6:09 pm) [edit] |
I'm going back to my old job tomorrow. I haven't worked in a year so I'm glad to be getting a check again. I'm surprised they are hiring me back since I just up and quit on them. Maybe they are hiring me to fire me. I wouldn't really blame them. I just want to save for a couple of years and pay off some stuff and get the bump up out of here. I want out of this state. I hope my honey really does too. If not I'll stay. I got to see him for a little bit today. I got some great kisses. He's the best. I love him. And yes, I'm a mush butt. LOL
Goodnight.
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| BBC News coverage |
| 07.25.04 (9:01 pm) [edit] |
I've been chewing on this all day. I live in America but we don't really see what's going on in the war and we don't hear anymore than what they want us to hear. Even messages and phone calls from friends and family in Iraq are sometimes cryptic. I turned on BBC this morning and there was news coverage of the fighting in the middle of the fighting. There was a reporter and his camera guy that rolled up on a convoy of American soldiers. They were there only moments when a missile came from the air. The nose of the missile glowed a bright red, as if from a cartoon. It hit and all the vehicles caught fire. A soldier next to the camera man stood holding his head, trying to keep his brains from falling out of the hole that shrapnel created. Someone had a camera on the camera guy and asked him to turn toward them. His left eye was very bloody. Later found out it wasn't damaged. There was another battle being shown where the points of fighting were called Larry, Moe and Curly. Why aren't we privy, as American citizens, to what is really going on? They give us bits and pieces. They tell us who, how many and how our soldiers have died, but they don't show us all that is happening. I for one am frightened. I keep hearing reports that they are going to start attacking us at home. After 9/11 a plane went over an area less than two miles from my house and it was said to be terrorists looking to target it. It's the headquarters of a major corporation. Will we be warned that we are going to be attacked or will it be kept secret to try to keep the country calm? Any input would be appreciated.
Later.
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| I don't wanna |
| 07.25.04 (7:20 am) [edit] |
I'm supposed to go to a baby shower/bbq today with 'him'. I don't want to play the happy couple that we are not. I don't want to go hang with his family. I want nothing more than to stay home and chill. My back is hurting and I just want to concentrate on getting it feeling better. I'll probably be dragged kicking and screaming. If I am to go I should be getting ready now and not on here. The only upside is that there is a slight chance Eminem could be there. His cousin used to be one of his bodyguards. Maybe I should check to see if he's on tour now so I'll know if he's going to be there or not. I just don't want to be sociable today. I'd rather go to the pool and hang out. That would help my back. I'm sure I'll be back later bitching about the baby shower.
Later!
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| Profile updated |
| 07.23.04 (8:03 am) [edit] |
I added some info to my profile in case anyone wants to know more about me. LOL I'm still kind of a  so don't be too critical please. You'll get to know me better if you want by reading my blog. I'm really liking blogging. It lets me get things out. I've only just begun.
Later!
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| A better day and a funny story. |
| 07.23.04 (5:37 am) [edit] |
I did the usual job searching in the morning. I called a friend who used to be my supervisor to let her know who might be calling her regarding me. I asked about some work at home positions they have and she said they didn't need anyone right now. Darn! But she said she would see if I could have my old job back. I just up and quit before because I had a huge conflict with another supervisor I had and I had a job offer elsewhere. The other girl is no longer in the department so I would be fine being back there. It's a decent paying job too. The hiring manager is supposed to call me Monday or Tuesday. YIPPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!! I haven't worked in a year so I really want to get back to it. I spent half that year fighting some back trouble. I had a herniated disk. I fought having surgery and won. It was a hard win to say the least.
I went to the pool and hung out for a few hours. It was wonderfully hot, the water was great and there was enough of a breeze that I didn't die out there. My friend and her kid left and I was there by myself. I then noticed a little girl that I know. Her dad and stepmom live next door to me. I said hi and she said what and then she recognized me. She didn't have her glasses on. She asked me to get in the pool so I did. We talked a little and then I asked her if she liked to do cannonballs into the water. She said yeah so we did one. She was there with a guy neighbor of hers, I would say he was 18-20. She wanted him to do one with us so she asked him, "would you like to do a threesome with me and her?" He and I started cracking up. It was too funny coming from an innocent little 11 year old. She asked me what was so funny and I just said nothing. Oh my God. We did all do a cannonball together though. I told her dad when I got home and he got a good chuckle too. The things kids say.
My love called me while I was at the pool and when I got tired of being there I went to see him. It was wonderfully, fantastically great! :D I got to give him the cd I made him also. I can't wait to hear what he thinks of the selection. I miss him already. I guess I'm in love. Ya think?
Gotta get busy!
Later!
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| A poem |
| 07.22.04 (6:44 am) [edit] |
This one's for you baby!
Another day passes
another day without you in it
but you stay close in my thoughts
as I sit and count the minutes
Another day passes
another day my heart stays blue
another day comes to an end
that I've been missing you
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| HELP!!!!! Pwwwweeeaassseee! |
| 07.22.04 (6:24 am) [edit] |
I want to add pics to my posts and off to the side but it won't let me. I did the photobucket thing yesterday and have tried to get some on here with no luck. What do I do to get this accomplished? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
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| another day gone |
| 07.20.04 (8:23 pm) [edit] |
Still looking for that damn job. Anybody seen it? What is it? It would be common courtesy for them to call and say hey we see you applied, sent your resume' in and we appreciate it but..... I guess I expect too much of the common man/woman.
After I was done following up on what leads I did have I met up with my friend and her family again to go fishing. The fishing sucked. I won't go back there. It costs 10 bucks to get in and all the fish did was steal the worms. They didn't even move the bobber most times. I finally gave up and sat down and called my dad. Man, I worry about him. I'm his baby and fave and he said who is this? I seriously don't think I'll have him around too many more years. Sad to think about but it's reality. He used the excuse that he just woke up. It was the middle of the day and I know my dad's voice upon just getting up. I wish he lived closer. I can't make that 7 hour drive too often. I'm going to shoot for going there this fall. There are so many places I want to go. I will take my kid and my nephew if I go. They need to see him and he needs to see them too. N E way, after a while my friend and I ditched her hubby and kid and went to the pool to cool ourselves. Well really just me. She wouldn't get in. The water was chilly, but it felt great. I love these hot days. I came home after and just hung out. Had one of my fave salads for dinner. It was soooooo good. I ate too much though. I was uncomfortable after. It tasted so good. I had been wanting it for a while. I watched Last Comic Standing. I was so pissed last week when Jay London got booted. He made me laugh my ass off. I'm glad Alonzo and John made it this week though. I'll keep watching and see what happens. I love me some comedy. I went for my walk again tonight. The dog was giving out on me. Maybe I should borrow the neighbors every other walk to give mine a break. LOL
Well I'm gonna head off to bed. It's nearly 12:30 in the am and I have to get up early to go to the doc. Wish me luck!
Baby, if you read this, I miss you and love you very much!!!!!
Later!
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| nothin' much here |
| 07.19.04 (8:39 pm) [edit] |
Today was a boring old day. Kind of a blah day really. My friend said the same thing. Must be something in the air.
Looked for a job all morning. Got out my paperwork from training I've had just in case. (crossing fingers) My friend called and I went to the pool for a bit but didn't swim. You can tell I'm having an off day when I don't take the opportunity to swim. Then I went to burn my butt and get me and my friend something to drink for the last little league game of the season. I'm going to miss going to those games. I swear he played his best ever today. I really enjoyed watching the kids out there. He and I played a little catch before the game. His dad's glove was too small for me though. We all went to DQ afterward. I don't really need that since I'm losing weight and all. Lost a few more pounds. I can't wait to see what the dr's scale says when I go. Wanna see if they are close. Took my friend home and went to the bookstore and got a date book for my purse. I've been suffering from CRS lately, gotta write it all down. Then I was back home again. Took dog for a walk, actually it's more her taking me, lol. She just thinks it's for her, but it's part of my exercise. We did a good 6 maybe more. I watched another episode of Dead Like Me. I don't watch too much tv but that show is almost addicting. It's really good and different. Gonna have to start taping it. I didn't hear from my love today. I hope all is well with him. I miss him. :cry: I gotta get some rest and see what I can get accomplished tomorrow.
Later!
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| My weekend... |
| 07.19.04 (4:46 am) [edit] |
Well of course all weekend I just wished that I was spending time with someone else. My honey came over for a bit on Saturday but the time was definitely too short. I wish I could spend the whole weekend with him. I want some quality time. I want to go to the drive in with him or even just hang out. I don't really care. Just some time together alone would be wonderful.
Anyway, after he left on Saturday I just hung out at home and started some laundry. My friend and her husband and their son ended up coming over to fish. Yes, I have a lake in my backyard. There's another one behind the houses across the street too. Pretty cool, huhn? I never caught anything in them until the other day when my friend came over. This time I caught 6 fish. My most ever in one day. How cool! None of them were worth measuring. The biggest was about 8 inches. I got beat out by my friend as far as size but I got more. I think my hook was too small to catch any bigger. I have to change that but don't really know how. I did figure out how to put a bobber on theough. LOL It started raining on us and we hung out there until we seen lightning. Then we all headed into my house to dry off. When it stopped we went right back out. My friends son caught the small snapping turtle that hangs in my lake and the biggest fish he's ever caught, it was about 10-12 inches. Of course I had to take pics. He was so excited that we had to convince him to put it back in the water before it died. There are a couple of snapping turtles in the lakes here. One is as big as a dinner plate. The one that was messing with me was the smaller one though. Everywhere I went with my pole it seemed to follow. Just eating away at my worms and not letting me get anything. I was getting frustrated with him. I also put my first worm on my hook. I usually just put the worm down and stab it with the hook but my friend needed me to help her yank one in half and I figured if I was touching it anyway, and if she could do it so could I, so I put it on my hook with my hands. Those little buggers squirm a lot. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fish alone since I have yet to pull a fish off the hook. Ewwwww! Maybe if I had a glove and pliers I could do it but I hope I never have to try it. We spent about 6 hours fishing. It was fun though. My stepbro was hanging out with me too. He gets fish to jump out of the water and onto his line. Or so it seems. I wish I could do the same.
Sunday was a laid back day for me. I was just hanging around the house. I watched this show I just heard about called Dead Like Me. It's pretty good. I've never watched it before but was catching up on the first season cause the talk on the tube is it's going to start the second soon. I watched the first three episodes and then my friend called to see if I wanted to go to the pool. Of course I said yes. I love the water. She lives by my stepbro so I stopped at his place on the way to get an app for where he works. Then off to the pool I went. The water was freezing as usual and it wasn't as warm out as I like, but I swam my butt off anyway. She even got in for a bit. We had the pool to ourselves for a bit due to the dark, looming clouds. Her son and I were having a blast too. He likes me to go with them cause I always get in. I watched the special on M. Night Shyamalan on sci-fi last night. It wasn't as good as I had hoped. It was alright though. They played it up alot. I guess I expected more.
I have to get looking for a job again. Heard nothing last week.
Later! :D
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| Opinions are like..... |
| 07.17.04 (9:39 pm) [edit] |
I know.....you know what I'm going to say. You're right. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I'm just tired of people trying to get me to sway to their opinion, or their beliefs and telling me mine are wrong. F*** that! I'm an american, free to believe what I want. If I'm wrong on something God can clue me in when I get there. And yes, I will get there, someday.
You see some people have tried to tell me this and that all my life. There is a God, there is NO God, you should believe this or that, you should hate and/or discriminate, you should, you could, yada, yada, yada. I have my own opinions and my own beliefs. I listen to all but I take what I want and discard the rest.
First off, I'm not prejudice or racist. I just hate people who are ignorant. Not because they don't think like me or don't know as much or what I know. I hate people, I shouldn't say hate, I dislike people who are stupid and proud of it. You've seen them. They are close-minded and simple. They can't see beyond their own nose. They've never experienced anything and have opinions about everything. Let me elaborate.
The other day I was talking to a friend, or so called friend. A so called christian man. This man had the nerve to tell me to tell my son something blatantly hurtful and ignorant. My son was adopted, not by my choice, but nonetheless adopted. I will post more on that later. This man said I should tell him, in order to get him to leave his adoptive parents alone, that they only adopted him for the monthly check. My son has been through hell and back. Why would he even suggest I cause him more pain? He used the excuse that he's just learning family secrets. That's not my or my son's problem. He has said mean and hurtful things to me too. That's all fine and good, I can take it, but you don't mess with my baby. Momma don't play that. Maybe it was because he wanted me to be his and when he was re-buffed he felt the need to retaliate. He's one of my points of ignorance. He has no clue about the real world. His world is very, very limited. I've lived and experienced. He is 37, nearly 38 years old and still living at home. Never lived away at college, never had his own, never nothing. Been at home with his mommy and daddy his whole life. I had it out with him the other day. He knows of my plans to be with the love of my life and called me to try to get me to go out to a fancy, expensive dinner with him. I told him no thank you but said he needed to come get his stuff and bring me mine.
I met up with him and drove my car so he couldn't turn around or escape. I wanted to tell him a few things. He just says things without any thought of the consequences of his words. He only has one friend so I guess he hasn't had much practice. I don't fault him for his life but I do his parents somewhat. They should have kicked him out long ago. He says he wants to marry and have kids but I don't think that's going to happen. I've went to his church and it was nice. I actually really liked the pastor and the atmosphere. I don't see how he is the way he is considering that factor but I don't claim to understand everything. I told him not to try to judge me or tell me how to live my life when all he's ever had for a life is a little shielded life in a box that his parents constructed for him. He's judged me on everything I know, don't know or have experienced. It's not his place to judge me. Only one being has that right and He doesn't walk this earth. No one but he can judge me. I'm not judging this man, I'm merely stating facts as I know them. He tells me what I believe is wrong. Beliefs to me are neither right nor wrong. I don't tell someone what they believe is wrong just because it's different from what I myself believe. I just stated the facts to him and basically told him I didn't need nor want his judgment or his so called friendship. I guess the world never ceases to amaze me. He felt he needed to save me. He can't, he doesn't have the power. And frankly I don't need his saving.
Onto the other ignorance I don't have time for.
What's the deal with people judging people by their skin color, their race, their country of origin, their religion, their sexual preference or whatever. To me we are all one race, HUMAN! Get over yourselves already. God, whatever he or she may be to you, don't like ugly. Prejudice, racism or whatever you call it, is ugly. My mother tried to teach me to hate. My best friend since kindergarten, and to this day, is a beautiful, strong, loving, intelligent, God fearing black woman. My love is the handsomest man I ever set eyes on and he too is black. If I had followed in my mom's ignorant steps, as she wanted me to, I would have missed out on not only the love and friendship I get from them but on a lot of other people too. There have been people from all walks of life in my life. I've loved learning about different cultures, religions, beliefs. I wouldn't trade that for the world. I gave up on teaching my mom anything long ago. I gave up on trying to change her mind. You can't get some people to change. I can get some to see the light though, mostly the young and undamaged. I think it really ticks my mother off that I still have those two people, previously mentioned, in my life to this day. I don't live to please her. I live to please God and myself. My child is of mixed race, but so am I if you figure in everything. She fought against my keeping him and ultimately won. She couldn't see that her blood also ran through his veins. Her loss. Mine too, somewhat, but really hers. Neither one of her grandchildren want anything to do with her. I don't force my son. My nephew I sympathize with. I just listen when he says he don't like her and doesn't want to go to her house. He's only 7 and already figured her out. She's going to miss out on a lot with him too. As for someones sexual preference, do what it is you feel the need or desire to do. You love who you love. It doesn't matter who tells you not to or that it's wrong. Love is love. Not to be funny, but just don't invite me to the party cause I play it straight all the way. I've had some friends and still do that have been very in love and had a great life with someone of the same sex. I only want everyone to be happy, an impossible feat, but I can want it. The same people might tell me having a mixed child or loving a black man is wrong, but what I feel in my heart is what I feel. I didn't set out to love a certain race of man or to have a mixed child. I've loved who I've loved. I've made my decisions and ultimately it's I who will live with them. Don't judge me or anyone you meet solely on appearances. Get to know people, find out who they really are, then if you find you just can't take them, discard them. Don't judge, just discard. No one will like everyone they meet. I haven't. Most won't even like everyone in their family. That's okay too. Just don't hate without knowing. Hate takes up too much time and energy. If we all liked everything the same and everone thought the same way this world would sure be boring. Our differences, in whatever aspect, make this a grand place to live. Live it up.
This is just my humble opinion, don't judge or hate me for it. Just leave your thoughts if you have the time.
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| For you baby |
| 07.17.04 (10:14 am) [edit] |
Hi Sweetheart!
There is always so much I don't get a chance to tell you when I see you. I guess this is as good a way as any. You'll read it sooner or later.
The other day, while you were occupied, I went to your mom's grave. I wanted to talk to her. I felt being there was better than just trying to talk to her otherwise. I don't know if I was seeking comfort, searching for a sign or what. I just felt the need to be there. I'm glad she got to know me better and got to like me before she passed. The first time I went to see her at the church I was terrified, shaking in my boots scared. I wanted to talk to her but also thought if I did and she didn't like me that our relationship was doomed. I got to know her a little, what she would let me, and she got to know me. I don't think I ever told you but I think your mom was great. She made an impact on me. She let me know, as others have since, that there are great moms out there. Moms that really care about their children and many others kids too. I try to carry on what she showed me. I do this by trying to be a good mom and by trying to be a good influence on any other kids I encounter. I am a great mom according to my son and think I have been a good influence on others. My niece and nephew both tell me that I'm their fave aunt. They don't carry the prejudices that society does. That may make it harder for them when they get older, just like it has for me, but it makes them better people in my opinion. I only hope that a lot more people are like them and they aren't the rare one in the group like I many times found myself. A lot of my baby's friends said they wished I was their mom and one or two even called me mom. Anyway, back to subject. I really wish your mom was still around to see you. I wish she were here for me to talk to. I bet she would be on the other side though due to her being her friend. Maybe not though. We'll never know. Until the day I see her agian in person I will talk to her often and tell her everytime how much I absolutely adore and love her eldest child and that I will take care of him forever if he's willing.
I gotta go, I have company now.
Love you baby,
Me
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| AT&T Wireless sucks ass!!!! |
| 07.17.04 (8:46 am) [edit] |
I hate this frickin company. When I first got them they beat ol' verizon to hell. Now I can't make a single call without it dropping. If I'm away from my house it works slightly better. complain? I've complained to them several times. Does it help? Hell no! It gets worse. They're supposed to merge with Cingular. I hope it gets better instead of worse. I bought a new phone thinking it was the cause. It's their damn service, or lack of. Anyone else having this trouble? Have you had any luck getting it resolved?
Later!
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| Patiently waiting..... |
| 07.15.04 (5:10 am) [edit] |
Looking for a job sucks. I've spent part of everyday this week applying. I'm taking today off. I'm just going to clean. I hate looking for work but that's the only way to get a job. There's not a hell of a lot to do in this state right now. It's slightly better than a few months ago but not nearly as good as it used to be.
Yesterday was definitely a better day than the previous one. I got on the scale and I lost 5 pounds in 5 days. That's good but not good. I talked to a few friends and they helped me through it. One of my friends called me back about 10 p.m. and we were talking. Her husband told her that I was beautiful and sweet and deserve some happiness. He said he wanted them to pray together for me before they went to bed. How sweet is that? I was so touched.
I didn't do too much yesterday. Worked on some laundry, contacted more potential jobs and pampered myself a little. In the evening I went to my friends sons little league game. They did really well. One of his teammates, the smallest kid on the team, is probably going to the majors when he gets older. He doesn't miss a play. I have to remember his name and watch for him. His mom was saying he plays soccer and hockey and this was his first season playing little league. He's a natural. Don't get me wrong, my friends son does good too. I love watching the games. I'm the videographer. One more to go and then the season is over. I'm bummed about that. Afterward me and my friend sat in my car outside her place and talked for quite a while. We didn't talk for a few years and were catching up on what happened in the in between. I was floored by some of what she told me. I told her why I wasn't in touch for those few years and apologized. She understood. After I came home I put on a sweatshirt, mid-July and chilly, and took my pooch out for a nice walk. I didn't go as far as usual but I only slept three hours the night before. I needed the walk though to clear my head and to make sure I was tired enough to fall asleep. I might have went farther if I hadn't forgot my headset. I'll go again tonight if it doesn't rain.
I'm off to start my day.
Later!
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| Hey Babe!!!!! |
| 07.13.04 (1:59 pm) [edit] |
Today was the day. I assume all is said and done by now. :cry:
Yesterday you read the letters on here to you. You should really read all entries. Most have something about you in them or something you might like to know. Maybe not all the time but at any rate take the time to read please.
Love you still and forever,
Me
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| How am I? Just barfariffic!!! |
| 07.13.04 (1:49 pm) [edit] |
I'm sick as hell. It's not a physical thing. My heart is in my stomach. Today is a day from hell. I've been trying to deal with it the best way I can. When I got something on my mind I keep busy. Ask my dog. LOL She got brushed, her nails clipped, the hair on her feet trimmed, her teeth were brushed, she got a bath with two shampoos and a conditioning and got brushed again. Then I completely scrubbed down my bathroom and am doing laundry too. I ain't done yet. In between I have talked to a couple of friends. One called to see how I was doing and I fought back tears and just said not too good. When I hung up I balled like a baby. I'm not finished yet either, more laundry to do and cleaning to be done. I won't stop until I fall exhausted. There's nothing in my stomach and I am retching. My love has no idea what is going on with me. Would he care if he did? I don't know. A prophetic song just came on........
Michelle Branch's Are you happy now?
This can't be good for me to not eat. Oh, well. I didn't eat one time for 9 months. I don't think my baby knows that though. I'm not sure I ever told him. Will I ever tell him? Nah! He'll read this soon enough. If he wants to. He read some yesterday. Didn't see much of a response though. It's very hot here today and they are saying to be careful to drink enough. The liquid that doesn't come up is coming out of my eyes. Guess I'll be the most dehydrated person in this state. Sorry about the subject jumping but that's how my mind is running today, all over hell and back again. Later!
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| Still sorting..... |
| 07.12.04 (6:03 pm) [edit] |
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I'm still sorting through the thoughts in my head and may post them later, maybe not. Kind of a laid back day today. I didn't get as much done as I had hoped but then i always over estimate the hours in a day. I seen my love and went to my friends son's little league game after. His whole team went to DQ so I tagged along so I could chat with my friend. She rode with me and then I took her home and we sat and talked some more. I have been so sick to my stomach but I'm hungry. No point in eating cause I can't keep nothin in there. I wish I could say tomorrow will be a better day but I doubt it. Later!
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| For my love |
| 07.11.04 (7:24 pm) [edit] |
Hi Sweetie!
My mind has been racing since I saw you yesterday. Again I found myself unable to say what I most wanted. I feel like there are so many ears on us. I want and need some alone time. I need to make a list for myself of what I want and need to say. I get so caught up in your eyes and your presence that what I want to say gets lost. I have been near tears and have had a nauseous stomach since you told me about this coming Tuesday. My heart is broke. This is one of the worst things I have had to go through and just like my other nightmare, I am powerless to change it. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of crying but I can't let you go. I sit here crying just trying to type out a few words. I look at our pictures and at the bear you gave me and tell myself to be strong. I hate, absolutely hate, that I have had and still have to be so strong. When do I get to really enjoy the love of my life? I know the answer but I don't like it. Remember when I told you that I had a thing about patience? Your reply was to forget about it. Well, I can't because it is true. It's true about our relationship and it was true about building a relationship with my child. So here it is.....
Putting
All
Things
In
Everlasting
Non
Commital
Existence
PATIENCE!!!!
With my child I have gotten past that and it was a long hard road, one I don't want to revisit. Here I am with you going though it all again. I pray I can make it again. When I want something I can be very stubborn about being patient to get it. Good old stubbornness has gotten me through. Can it again? I don't kow. Hopefully that and the love we have for each other will get me through, will get us through this. I love you more than you know. I have so much more I want to share with you but can't right now. Someday. I can't wait.
I had a dream about you last night. It was a very good dream. Your cast was off and I got to do everything I haven't been able to do yet. I can't wait for that dream to come true. It was why I was up just after 6 am. I couldn't get back to sleep thinking about it.
Well baby it's getting late and I need to get up early and get my plate for my car and get some things accomplished.
I love you with all that I am. Remember that!
Love Always,
yours forever,
Me
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| Just sick |
| 07.11.04 (6:51 pm) [edit] |
I'm sitting here listening to Josh Groban on AOL live. I really like some of his songs. I wanted to listen to his live concert to see what else he has that I hadn't heard yet. Beautiful music. Some I could see myself belly dancing to. Some just makes me want to cry. That could just be my mood though.
Today was a pretty relaxed day. My niece was still here so I hung out with her and we went to the pool again. She likes that I get in and play and swim with her. I don't think a lot of other family members do that. I love it though. I have a lot of fun when I have kids around. I like to make sure they have fun. I didn't get to be a normal fun loving kid so I want the opposite for all others. We hung out there for probably a couple of hours. I brought her back to my place to get ready to go home and have lunch and to play some more video games before she went home. I drove her home and talked to one of my friends on the way. I wanted to return some stuff to someone I want out of my life but I didn't have the gas to do it. Darn. Maybe tomorrow. I want this sadistic so called christian man out of my life. He had the gall to tell me the other day to tell my child something purposefully hurtful. He isn't someone I have known very long and someone I no longer want to know. I told him I was very happy they he never met nor talked with my child because I would have hurt him if he hurt my child. I can't wait to tell him what a complete nincompoop I think he is. I can't wait to hear what he has to say. Probably more bs. He wanted to borrow something of mine when I go over there but no way. I don't want to see him again. He has said things to me about me but you don't mess with my baby. More later.
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| My very busy Saturday |
| 07.10.04 (7:50 pm) [edit] |
Well I got up early to check some things out online. Then ran an errand and went to pick up my 8 year old niece for the night. We came back to my house to get my suit and towels out of the dryer so we could hit the pool. Let me tell you we hit it hard. LOL It was cooooooldddddd! It was hot out so it felt good. One of my old friends was there so we hung out and talked with her, then her son and hubby showed up. My sis even came up there with a little coaxing. She wouldn't swim though. 80+ degrees and she's in jeans. She must be nuts. She's no fun at all! We hung out a little longer and then went back to my house so I could give my sis something and show her some pics I have on my pc and all the pics of the newest babes my friends have had. I went to take her back to her truck and then showed her to a friends house. On the way my baby called me. YIPPPEEEEE! He invited me over for a bbq. Let me tell you, it was good. I took my niece with me and she thought he was very nice. I had to bite my tongue not to tell her that he would someday be her uncle. I'm sure she will be happy when it happens though. She's a smart kid and I'm sure she's a good judge of character. We came back to my house yet again and my friend from earlier at the pool came over to get some clothes I had for her. We fished a little since I live on a lake and have another across the street. Lucky me! I love the water. I actually caught a fish. I have lived here for some years and hadn't caught anything. It wasn't huge but it was a fish and that's all I cared. I was so excited. It was getting late and since my niece wasn't hungry when we were with my baby I wanted to get her something to eat. I went home and got her and her current uncle. We went and got her some food and then an ice cream. She is a very smart and funny little girl. Her uncle made a comment about which gas station I should go to because he wanted to go to a white owned one. She was all over him. She told him not to be judgmental and that he should love everyone. I have had some influence on her, hallelujah!!! She was holding his mouth and told him she didn't want to hear no more. I never knew he was like that for the longest. It came out eventually though. Everything comes out in the wash so to speak. My child is of mixed race and I would have never brought this idiot into the mix if I had the slightest clue this was how he was. I won't have to deal with it too long though. Me and my baby are working toward our future unbeknownst to him. All I will say is so long sucker. If that's mean then it's one of the very rare times I will be mean. I can't deal with it any longer. I should have stayed gone but I had to move back. My hand is still playing and I plan on winning.
It's nearly midnight now and I have to get some sleep. Later!
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| Fun fun fun or not |
| 07.10.04 (5:19 am) [edit] |
Well yesterday I went to the wave pool with my friend and her two grands. She's not real old and neither am I. She is 12 years older than me but most of my friends are older. She also brought her ex man's daughter. It was fun but not as much as the last time. At least this time I didn't biff it and scrape my shoulder like last time. Her grands are only 3 and 1 but the other girl was 10 so I took her into the wave pool while everyone else played in the kiddie part. Maybe it would have been more fun if I didn't have my baby on my mind.
I'm going to leave to pick up my niece in a little bit. My nephew stayed last weekend and I like to keep it fair. We're probably going to hang out at the pool. I need to print pics before I leave for a friend but I guess I'll do that later. She doesn't even know I have them yet. Gotta go work on my tan. Later!
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| For my love |
| 07.09.04 (8:38 pm) [edit] |
My Dearest Love-
There was so much I wanted to say to you today when I called you. I was speechless when you answered. There are so many millions of thoughts running through my head. The time we spent together on Wednesday/Thursday left me in a fog. Not a bad thing. My heart aches for more time with you, more time to talk, more time to laugh, more time to love. How could one person have captured my heart so completely when I was only 15 and then succeeded to keep it for nearly 19 years? I still wonder how I won yours. I'm very happy that I did, but I still can't imagine why me. When I talked to your brother after you told me he was teasing about me being in trouble when my phone rang. The part I forgot to tell you was he asked me why I got married I told him I didn't know. He asked me if it was for security and that's exactly what it was. I needed someone there for the day to day. I wasn't trying, nor could I ever replace you. I have many regrets when it comes to us but I refuse to have any more. I will do whatever it takes to make this work this time around. I will show you that I love you and that you and only you have my heart. You know this already from the other night. Remember???? You better. hahaha Baby, you are all I ever wanted in my life for a husband, lover and best friend. I tried to play like it didn't matter sometimes. It was those times when you didn't hear from me that it was hardest to hide the way I felt. It was very, extremely hard loving you so much and not being able to help you or be with you. Thank God that is over for us. Our future is out there and I will be patient. I regret that I didn't marry you when I had the chance. I will marry you one day and I will try to make you happy everyday. We will have times that are hard or unhappy I'm sure but together we can make it through anything. There is a song that says, "I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else." That says exactly how I feel. I would give up whatever I need to, except my child, to make this work this time. Remember when we were in the truck and my phone rang and you asked who it was and I told you it was a male friend. Your face said you didn't like that. You said it was okay. I would give up any and all friends of the opposite sex if that was what you asked of me. Damnit, I love you!!! I don't know any other way to say it. My heart breaks that you're so close but yet so far. You tell me to be patient and not get depressed about the situation but it breaks my heart. You're here but not with me. I bought this ticket to pain with my own stupidity but realizing it doesn't make it easier to deal with. Saying I can't wait til the day I am fully yours sounds kind of strange because that's exactly what I have to do. This is going to be the hardest thing I've had to do. I've waited 18 years to be yours I guess a couple more won't kill me. There is so much more I want to talk to you about but it will have to wait til later. It's late, almost 1 in the morning, and I have to go get my niece in the morning for overnight. I hope you get to read all of this soon. I can no longer send you letters but I can send my thoughts to you this way for now. I can't wait to tell you how to read this.
Love you baby!
Yours always,
Me :D
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| dazed and confuzed |
| 07.09.04 (8:09 pm) [edit] |
Since this is my initial entry I guess I'll state why I'm blogging.
I've wanted to keep a diary for years. I can't ever keep one going or really put what I really want in it. Someone could read it and then what. You'll understand more about this later. I also want to use this as a way to write the love of my life. I don't know if he'll ever read them but hopefully one day. You'll get more on this story if you keep reading.
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